Resolution . . . . . . .

Each year, as most, I find myself almost feeling like it's a law to make a New Year's Resolution.  Honestly, I don't see the big deal in it.  However, it does make me reflect on what this past year has meant to me and what I would love to see in the next year.  Each year I am in complete awe of what God has done in our lives.  This year especially though I feel so blessed.  It had been a dream of mine to be able to eventually stay home with my children, and have an opportunity to still do my passion of being a nurse. God opened that door and has blessed us ten fold since I have began to stay home.

I will say that with these blessing I have grown so much in how I walk with God by my side, and how I rely on Him for everything.  I think back to what my life was like as a child and a teenager.  I grew up in a house where my mom stayed home with us.  With her being my mother the standard of what a "homemaker" is comes at a VERY high standard.  She took her job very seriously, and it is evident to me, now at this stage in my life, just how strong of a woman of God my mother was and is up until this day.  My mother was always up, dressed and pristine each morning when she came into my room to get me up for school. She was always a breath of fresh air as she awakened me for a new day.  A smile on her face and rarely EVER did she raise her voice to the groans and mumbles she received each morning.  She had the house spotless each day as I got home and always had a "Martha Stewart" worthy snack waiting for me.  She was always happy to hear about my day, and full of encouragement if my day had left me a bit discouraged.  Not only that, but she was at the center of every band function I had to be involved in, choral concert, practice or the taxi for my friends and I anytime we had engagements.  She was "Momma B" to all that she encountered.  In fact, till this day she still totes the name of "Momma B" to most all of my friends. Looking back over my life I can see just how great of a mom she is.  She never judged anyone, but sat back and listened to all of my friends and I when we had no idea she was listening.   She was never the mom that harped on us all when we hadn't made the best of decisions.  She was the mother that embraced us all and loved us in spite of all the decisions.

So . . . . . . . . you can see how following this example might be a bit challenging.  I guess I thought as soon as I started staying home with my children that POOF I would be infused with all the wisdom, compassion, and love that my mother symbolized to me. What a wake up call!!!  I find days when I struggle to make it from one nap time to the next for my children and I KNOW that they can sense that.  There are times when I snap back with an uncaring tone or disinterested reply to my children out of pure exhaustion. . . .  my children are so undeserving of that. Bobby is so undeserving of the eye rolls and stern tone that I take with him so many days as soon as he walks into the door.  How did she do it?  How was the house always so clean?  Laundry always done and so perfectly folded?  The aroma of the perfect supper always rolling out the door as I walked into my house? How was I so blessed to have the real life "June Cleaver" living under the same roof as me?  

Just a week ago as I was driving home from a late night gym trip (at 11pm) I had a huge "ah ha" moment.  I had peeled myself off of the couch with disgust and made myself go work out.  This had been preceded by a usual night of struggling to get kids situated, supper cooked, children fed, baths given, prayers said, and oh yeah spending a little bit of time with Bobby.  Unfortunately, I had left the house a bit frustrated at Bobby and myself for raising my voice to him in front of my children.  My thoughts as I made myself do my hour of cardiovascular exercise was nothing but anger.  I was MAD that I had to work out, MAD that I had little to no "me" time, MAD that I wasn't the "June Cleaver" that I so desperately desired to be.  Then as I rode home in my "mini van a.k.a swagger wagon" God literally broke me.  It was like He was saying, "really, really Nicole?  Your going to be angry?"  What do I have to be angry about?  I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, beautiful healthy children, a man of God who truly leads our household, a wonderful example of LOVE in my parent's and brother as they mold and shape me each day, and I could go on for days.  It was at that moment as I pulled into my driveway that I began to sob.  I walked right into my home, and got at the foot of each my children's beds and thanked God for the blessing in them.  I asked God to give me the patience, and love that I had been taught my entire life.   I prayed for all of my selfish "human" desires to be dissolved.

So  . . . . . . as this new year begins I PRAY that I will be the mother, sister, daughter, friend, and wife that God wants me to be.

My Daddy

I know, I know . . . . . . I started with such gusto and then just dwindled away on the whole "blog" wagon. The truth is life just is so busy and seems to get in the way sometimes.  I find my mind wondering on a daily basis and I think to myself "that would be a good blog"and then as I sit down to write it out it becomes yet just another saved blog that I feel unworthy to post.  A confession, I'm a bit of a blog stalker.  I go to my blogs tab on my computer each day just to see how wonderful all of my girlfriends are at keeping everyone updated on their lives.  I drool at their "journalistic" abilities and the beautiful pics that they have taken of their families, parties, homes, crafting abilities, and the list goes on.  I aspire to be that person but I'm so horrible about following through with things.  I always have such wonderful drive and enthusiasm and somewhere along the way it gets trampled on.

Well, today as I sit here with the TV softly playing my 80's music channel in the background (Tina Turner "Private Dancer") I WILL follow through with todays blog.  I think that today is a must.  We all have days that are special to us that we reflect on what we were doing on that day 10 years ago or where you were on that day 15 years ago, right?  Most peoples December 16th reflections probably have to do with some type of Christmas memory, tradition, birth of someone special or what ever it may be for you.  My mind drifts to this was the last full day of life that I had with my daddy.  Three years ago my family and I had made the decision to take my father to Tupelo for emergency dialysis following about a week and a half stay in the hospital following a stroke.  This decision came with a struggle.  The previous days had been a whirl wind.  Daddy had walked into the hospital just  days before in VERY stable condition.  In fact, in true "James" style he was a bit put out with my mother and I that we had felt it was necessary for him even to go the hospital.  Much to our surprise just a few hours later we were told that my father had suffered a stroke and that we had some decisions to make.  The days that followed were filled with a progressive decline in my daddy's health.  Each day was a rise and fall of emotion from a coherent dad to a dad that was filled with confusion and frustration.  

I have come to dislike thinking of those days . . . . they are filled with the-" I wish I could go back to that" or "why didn't I say . . . " .  The truth of the matter is that I CAN'T go back and would any sequence of words that I could have said to daddy been the right words?  What could ever be the right thing to say to the man that loved me unconditionally, held me in his arms when I was a child and comforted me, and provided for me in every way I needed throughout my life as he was dying?  I NEVER thought of my daddy as that man until I had my own children and saw the look in Bobby's eyes as he looked at "our love" in a physical form before us.  Honestly, until my daddy's death ,I guess as most children do, I found fault in so many things that he did.  Why couldn't I stay out later, why couldn't I date when I wanted to, why couldn't I go to that party? Then as I grew older and daddy and I became so much alike we butted heads so many times . . . . . . we both had very strong opinions.  However, I NEVER not one time doubted that my daddy loved me.  I KNEW without a shadow of a doubt that I was his little girl.  I now am SO THANKFUL for that love and bond.  Sadly, so many never know that kind of love.  

I'm sure you found it strange that I was listening to 80's music. On this day, as I think of my daddy and honestly dread tomorrow I KNOW that daddy would love  as I sit here and type about him that I've had Billy Joel, Bruce Springsteen, Tina Turner, Lionel Richie, John Mellencamp all playing in the background.  Those are the memories that I hang onto.  I can't dwell on the fact that I can't see his beautiful hands holding my mothers as he walked hand and hand with her each and everywhere he went.  The sound of him saying "lil bit" up until the day he took his last breath when he addressed me.  I have to just smile to myself and hold onto the wonderful man that he was.  The beauty of how he showed my brother and I the love of a wonderful earthly father and to my mother the relentless love of a man smitten with her beauty both inside and out!!!!  So tomorrow in the midst of my tears and sadness just know that God I am thanking you for my daddy- thank you for giving him to me and my family.  The reason why we miss him so much is because he was such a wonderful man!!!  

  

Dear God . . . . .

Oh the pressures of molding and shaping our children.  When I really think about what my job is everyday as mommy of this household it can become scary.  Each time I feel that fear welling up inside of me I just have to take a deep breath and ask God to lead and direct me in each and every thing that I do.  I am surrounded by sponges.  In the last year, Keller has become such a wise little man.  I pray nightly that God will mold and shape him into a man of God that will change this world.  I see such a fire inside of Keller.  I know that as parent's we always see great things for our children, but he is just so compassionate at such a young age.  He has such a sweet spirit.  We all start praying with our children from the time that they are born.  From the night God blessed us with Keller I prayed over him as his mother- each night as he went to sleep.  As he got older I began to pray aloud with him.  I wanted him to know what it was like to have a relationship with God.  Bobby and I started praying with him during meals and at bedtime.  I truly thought this was all I needed to do as a parent.  Just a couple of months after we started praying with him I was convicted that a prayer life for him shouldn't just be during meals and suppertime but an ongoing talk.  I wanted him to develop a TRUE RELATIONSHIP with God.  I needed him to know that no matter how big or how small his problem or his praise that God wanted to listen. I needed Keller to understand that  He is his best friend.   There are so many times that I find myself doubting my parenting.  I know it's just satan attacking me.  I know that ultimately God is in control of Keller and we are just messenger's. . . . . . . . . Last night as Keller led us in prayer he finished, turned to me and said, "God just smiled, didn't he mommy."  Thank you God for those little moments of clarity!!!!!!!

Blogger I am NOT!!!

After much going back and forth back forth I have fallen to the temptation of a family blog!!!!!  I love my family and why shouldn't I share with all of you what's going on in our lives!!!  I guess with the age of "facebook" I keep thinking, "why bother?"  I've finally come to the realization that if you follow me through facebook it is quite possibly out of nosiness. . . . it could be just to see if Bobby and I have gotten fat after graduating from high school.  If you come to our family blog I hope that it means nothing more than the fact that you love us and care what is truly going on in our lives!!!!  Our lives are very simple.  Bobby and I grew up as "best friends" throughout high school and grew apart throughout college.  As we came near to the end of college for both us we had no idea what each other was doing or for that matter where each other lived.  I was pretty much at rock bottom in my life and decided I needed an old friend to cheer me up.  Cheer me up that he did.  About 10 months after reconnecting with him we were married and  so much in love!!!!  Bobby had just started a new job in Memphis and I was trying to prepare to finish my last semester of nursing school.  I was horribly home sick (I had NEVER lived away from my parent's) and desperately trying to show Bobby how very domestic I was. . . . .  Just 3 months later Bobby was laid off from his job and we were heart broken.  We did what felt safe to us, we moved back home to Corinth.  Fast forward a little . . . . . God blesses Bobby with a WONDERFUL job that he loves, I graduate from nursing school and receive a WONDERFUL job and life is great again.  This could take a while  . . . .  . . . so I will shorten this tremendously.  We then are blessed with our first child, 5 years into our marriage, Keller McKane Roach.  If you know him you know what a blessing he is.  Then when Keller was 3 years old McKendry Layne Roach was born.  In just nine years the Roach's grew from two to four.  The Lord only knows what is in store for us, but we KNOW with Him leading us we can do ANYTHING!!!!!