Thursday, December 16, 2010

My Daddy

I know, I know . . . . . . I started with such gusto and then just dwindled away on the whole "blog" wagon. The truth is life just is so busy and seems to get in the way sometimes.  I find my mind wondering on a daily basis and I think to myself "that would be a good blog"and then as I sit down to write it out it becomes yet just another saved blog that I feel unworthy to post.  A confession, I'm a bit of a blog stalker.  I go to my blogs tab on my computer each day just to see how wonderful all of my girlfriends are at keeping everyone updated on their lives.  I drool at their "journalistic" abilities and the beautiful pics that they have taken of their families, parties, homes, crafting abilities, and the list goes on.  I aspire to be that person but I'm so horrible about following through with things.  I always have such wonderful drive and enthusiasm and somewhere along the way it gets trampled on.

Well, today as I sit here with the TV softly playing my 80's music channel in the background (Tina Turner "Private Dancer") I WILL follow through with todays blog.  I think that today is a must.  We all have days that are special to us that we reflect on what we were doing on that day 10 years ago or where you were on that day 15 years ago, right?  Most peoples December 16th reflections probably have to do with some type of Christmas memory, tradition, birth of someone special or what ever it may be for you.  My mind drifts to this was the last full day of life that I had with my daddy.  Three years ago my family and I had made the decision to take my father to Tupelo for emergency dialysis following about a week and a half stay in the hospital following a stroke.  This decision came with a struggle.  The previous days had been a whirl wind.  Daddy had walked into the hospital just  days before in VERY stable condition.  In fact, in true "James" style he was a bit put out with my mother and I that we had felt it was necessary for him even to go the hospital.  Much to our surprise just a few hours later we were told that my father had suffered a stroke and that we had some decisions to make.  The days that followed were filled with a progressive decline in my daddy's health.  Each day was a rise and fall of emotion from a coherent dad to a dad that was filled with confusion and frustration.  

I have come to dislike thinking of those days . . . . they are filled with the-" I wish I could go back to that" or "why didn't I say . . . " .  The truth of the matter is that I CAN'T go back and would any sequence of words that I could have said to daddy been the right words?  What could ever be the right thing to say to the man that loved me unconditionally, held me in his arms when I was a child and comforted me, and provided for me in every way I needed throughout my life as he was dying?  I NEVER thought of my daddy as that man until I had my own children and saw the look in Bobby's eyes as he looked at "our love" in a physical form before us.  Honestly, until my daddy's death ,I guess as most children do, I found fault in so many things that he did.  Why couldn't I stay out later, why couldn't I date when I wanted to, why couldn't I go to that party? Then as I grew older and daddy and I became so much alike we butted heads so many times . . . . . . we both had very strong opinions.  However, I NEVER not one time doubted that my daddy loved me.  I KNEW without a shadow of a doubt that I was his little girl.  I now am SO THANKFUL for that love and bond.  Sadly, so many never know that kind of love.  

I'm sure you found it strange that I was listening to 80's music. On this day, as I think of my daddy and honestly dread tomorrow I KNOW that daddy would love  as I sit here and type about him that I've had Billy Joel, Bruce Springsteen, Tina Turner, Lionel Richie, John Mellencamp all playing in the background.  Those are the memories that I hang onto.  I can't dwell on the fact that I can't see his beautiful hands holding my mothers as he walked hand and hand with her each and everywhere he went.  The sound of him saying "lil bit" up until the day he took his last breath when he addressed me.  I have to just smile to myself and hold onto the wonderful man that he was.  The beauty of how he showed my brother and I the love of a wonderful earthly father and to my mother the relentless love of a man smitten with her beauty both inside and out!!!!  So tomorrow in the midst of my tears and sadness just know that God I am thanking you for my daddy- thank you for giving him to me and my family.  The reason why we miss him so much is because he was such a wonderful man!!!  


1 comment:

  1. I think it is a beautiful blog post and that you have all the journalistic qualities you admire in others.

    I'll be praying that the sweet memories outweigh the pain.