Resolution . . . . . . .

Each year, as most, I find myself almost feeling like it's a law to make a New Year's Resolution.  Honestly, I don't see the big deal in it.  However, it does make me reflect on what this past year has meant to me and what I would love to see in the next year.  Each year I am in complete awe of what God has done in our lives.  This year especially though I feel so blessed.  It had been a dream of mine to be able to eventually stay home with my children, and have an opportunity to still do my passion of being a nurse. God opened that door and has blessed us ten fold since I have began to stay home.

I will say that with these blessing I have grown so much in how I walk with God by my side, and how I rely on Him for everything.  I think back to what my life was like as a child and a teenager.  I grew up in a house where my mom stayed home with us.  With her being my mother the standard of what a "homemaker" is comes at a VERY high standard.  She took her job very seriously, and it is evident to me, now at this stage in my life, just how strong of a woman of God my mother was and is up until this day.  My mother was always up, dressed and pristine each morning when she came into my room to get me up for school. She was always a breath of fresh air as she awakened me for a new day.  A smile on her face and rarely EVER did she raise her voice to the groans and mumbles she received each morning.  She had the house spotless each day as I got home and always had a "Martha Stewart" worthy snack waiting for me.  She was always happy to hear about my day, and full of encouragement if my day had left me a bit discouraged.  Not only that, but she was at the center of every band function I had to be involved in, choral concert, practice or the taxi for my friends and I anytime we had engagements.  She was "Momma B" to all that she encountered.  In fact, till this day she still totes the name of "Momma B" to most all of my friends. Looking back over my life I can see just how great of a mom she is.  She never judged anyone, but sat back and listened to all of my friends and I when we had no idea she was listening.   She was never the mom that harped on us all when we hadn't made the best of decisions.  She was the mother that embraced us all and loved us in spite of all the decisions.

So . . . . . . . . you can see how following this example might be a bit challenging.  I guess I thought as soon as I started staying home with my children that POOF I would be infused with all the wisdom, compassion, and love that my mother symbolized to me. What a wake up call!!!  I find days when I struggle to make it from one nap time to the next for my children and I KNOW that they can sense that.  There are times when I snap back with an uncaring tone or disinterested reply to my children out of pure exhaustion. . . .  my children are so undeserving of that. Bobby is so undeserving of the eye rolls and stern tone that I take with him so many days as soon as he walks into the door.  How did she do it?  How was the house always so clean?  Laundry always done and so perfectly folded?  The aroma of the perfect supper always rolling out the door as I walked into my house? How was I so blessed to have the real life "June Cleaver" living under the same roof as me?  

Just a week ago as I was driving home from a late night gym trip (at 11pm) I had a huge "ah ha" moment.  I had peeled myself off of the couch with disgust and made myself go work out.  This had been preceded by a usual night of struggling to get kids situated, supper cooked, children fed, baths given, prayers said, and oh yeah spending a little bit of time with Bobby.  Unfortunately, I had left the house a bit frustrated at Bobby and myself for raising my voice to him in front of my children.  My thoughts as I made myself do my hour of cardiovascular exercise was nothing but anger.  I was MAD that I had to work out, MAD that I had little to no "me" time, MAD that I wasn't the "June Cleaver" that I so desperately desired to be.  Then as I rode home in my "mini van a.k.a swagger wagon" God literally broke me.  It was like He was saying, "really, really Nicole?  Your going to be angry?"  What do I have to be angry about?  I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, beautiful healthy children, a man of God who truly leads our household, a wonderful example of LOVE in my parent's and brother as they mold and shape me each day, and I could go on for days.  It was at that moment as I pulled into my driveway that I began to sob.  I walked right into my home, and got at the foot of each my children's beds and thanked God for the blessing in them.  I asked God to give me the patience, and love that I had been taught my entire life.   I prayed for all of my selfish "human" desires to be dissolved.

So  . . . . . . as this new year begins I PRAY that I will be the mother, sister, daughter, friend, and wife that God wants me to be.