Heaviness . . . . . .

Do you ever have those days when your overcome with emotion. . . . .  It's like everything that you could possibly feel in your entire lifetime is laid on your heart at that very moment.  I've been so convicted lately of how we flippantly will say that we are praying for someone yet, we cease to truly PRAY for that person.  Not the prayer of "dear God, you know _________ needs, I pray that you will meet those needs"  in the midst of our crazy day. You know what I'm talking about . . . . . . if we are honest we all do it.  I'm not bashing those prayers or saying they aren't worthy. God hears all of our prayers, and I KNOW that no prayer is to small or to big for our God. BUT I do feel that we should set aside time to PRAY without ceasing for those needs of our friends, family, co-workers,  acquaintance's, friends of friends etc.  The truth of the matter is we are all family doing life together, and God calls us to support each other not only in the extraordinary times, when it's easy, but also during the times of dismay.  Those are the times when we need each other the most.  The times when we question, "why?" The times when we become angry at how such horrible things can happen to such wonderful people.

This morning I woke to so many prayer needs of those close to me (and even not-so-close) that I genuinely was overwhelmed.  I had no conception of where to begin, what to pray, how to pray . . . . .  I could not process all the emotion, all the devastation, the wonderful praise of healing, and new days ahead.  I felt myself  being so easily distracted when praying for these needs.  Distracted . . . . . .  really?Why would I become distracted?  We are talking about peoples lives, questions of what tomorrow brings, pleads with God to heal peoples bodies, yet my mind would still drift to things concerning me.  I know that seems so selfish, and awful of me to admit. How could I be so heartless that I would let other things distract me?  What were those distractions?  Distractions of praise . .  praise that I have been so blessed with all that I have.  Conviction of how often I'm not appreciative of what I have, how I constantly find myself wanting more, yearning for more, and feeling like I NEED more.  Conviction of not only my blessing, but how I fail MISERABLY daily by trying to take control, and be my hands and feet.  Daily I find myself doubting how I may have handled a situation at work, with Bobby, with my children, at a store or on the road to a total stranger.  Why do I doubt those times? BECAUSE I'm not letting God lead me.

So, today, as I do life will all of you I pray that I will take my prayer time seriously.  I pray that when my thoughts drift to you, that not only will I cherish you as one of my thoughts, but that I will genuinely pray for you.  I don't have to specifically know your needs, God knows them.  I just have to focus my eyes on Him and not the distractions of me.  Each of you deserve the prayers of praise, thanksgiving, healing, renewal without distraction.  I vow to be raw and candid when even the flesh of me worries what others may think.  God calls us to be real with each other.

Know that you are loved and that today my heart is so heavy for many.  I take that heaviness seriously . . . .

Happy Birthday Keller!

WOW!  The last couple of months have been a whirlwind of fun.  . . . . . My mom always stayed at home with my brother and I during the summers.  I remember those days of waking up to see what fun new adventure mom had planned for us.  I wouldn't exactly call me that kind of mom, but I will say that we have stayed very busy.

This past weekend we held Keller's Water Birthday Extravaganza at our home.  I'll admit . . . . .  since staying home I have had to become much more creative on how to celebrate Birthday's on a budget. However . . . . . I've really enjoyed the creativity.  June usually creates a challenge.  The heat is almost unbearable, yet, Keller always wants to be outside.  This year was no different than any other in his request to PLAY outside.  Being the good mother that I am *oozing with sarcasm* I truly tried to talk Keller out of being outside.  He insisted.  Solution you ask?  Water . . . .  and LOTS of it!  We purchased every water toy imaginable within our budget and decided to embrace the challenge and move on.  We got up early that morning and filled the kiddy pool with water, set up the water slide, set the sprinkler up, and waited for the fun to begin.  As the children started showing up it was evident that our worries were just that, worries . . . . . . the children were having a BLAST!  How could this party get any better in Keller's eyes UNTIL his Great Aunt Cissy and cousin Jennafer showed up with their gift.  Cissy came to me in true Cissy form . . . . . .  asking me to approve the gift before we showed it to Keller.  I know that request may seem strange to most, but Cissy has a history of going a little BIG when it concerns birthday gifts.  As I walked to her car I wondered how in the world she could have out done the blow up fire station from years past. . . . . .

Needless to say, you can imagine the reaction of the kids. . . . . .  Heck, you can imagine my reaction as well.  I'm a kid myself, I was elated and so blessed for my child to have such a generous and loving family.  Who wouldn't want a mammoth slide in their back yard?  It's just that thank you doesn't quite seem enough for such a wonderful gift for our sweet Keller.  We will NEVER forget this wonderful birthday for our sweet Keller!  Thank you soooooo much for all that were able to take part in our special day . . . . . . . . everything was more than perfect!!!!!

 The perfect cake made just for Keller by his AA!

 Slip and slide fun compliments of daddy!

 A little push from daddy!

 Sweet Friends!

 Bubble's from the slip and slide

 Fun hanging out with friends in the pool!

 Everyone patiently waiting for their turn!

 Fun times!

 Sweet Andrew . . . . . it was his birthday the day of the party!

 Allie's face full of fun!

 Allie Grace sliding!

 Cora getting in on the action!

 Happy Birthday to Keller!

 Everyone wants some cake!

 Keller's new guitar from Mr. Shane!!!

 Keller's very own big boy robe that Gran Gran made!

Thanks Uncle Doug and AA for the Lightning McQueen table!

As you can tell . . . . .   we had a BIG time!!!!!  We thank God for our wonderful friends and family and most of all for the precious life of Keller McKane Roach!!!!!  

Answered Prayer

With only six days of school left for Keller I find myself amazed at how very fast this school year has flown by.  This year was a first for our family.  Up until this year Keller had never gone to school or day care for that matter.  At the beginning of the year our prayers, as Keller's parent's, were mostly about him making new friends and coming out of his shell a bit.  Today as I picked him up from school I was blind sided by the huge transformation that has taken place in his life.  Since September a routine has evolved . . . .  each day around 11:30 McKendry and I leave our house for the short drive to Oakland to pick up Keller from school.  This is ALWAYS very exciting for McKendry because from the second that her eyes open each morning she begins to ask, "Where's my Teller?" her way of saying Keller. Each morning I say the same thing, "he's at school" . . . . I remember throughout the months of September, October when she would ask me this I would have a small ache in my stomach that would come up . . . . . .  I would think to myself . . . . .  "I hope he's having a good day" "Lord, please help him to make new friends" "God, please don't let him sit by himself at recess today" Each day as we pull up I make the same steps up the sidewalk to where all of the children sit patiently (not always) for their loved ones to pick them up from school.  At the beginning of the school year I would usually round the corner to see Keller sitting quietly "criss cross applesauce" waiting . . . .  as soon as he would see me he usually ran to me so happy to see a familiar face. Each day on the ride home we would discuss what they had done that day at school . . . .  I would usually always ask "did you make any new friends today" "who did you play with at recess" most days I would get a no . . . . . .  however, as the months progressed on I would round the corner to find him sitting talking to another child . . . . .  he would also began to greet me with "I played with Jake today or I was the door holder today".  I would share with Bobby in the evenings the progression and usually at supper time Keller would share with his daddy the names of his new little buddies at school.  

Just a couple of weeks ago Keller had his second "field trip" of the year.   When preparing for the field trip I reflected back to his field trip from the beginning of the year.  The first, a trip to the local pumpkin patch, wasn't exactly my idea of a enjoyable day as a mother.  He spent most of the day glued to my leg, and would hardly join his class in any of the activities.  Don't get me wrong, we enjoyed it, but I felt this horrible void for Keller.  I saw how much fun he was missing.  He really didn't show any interest in interaction with the other kids at all.  His teacher and I discussed his shy predisposition, and she encouraged me that he was making strides in the right direction.  . . . now to the second field trip.  This trip, a trip to Tad's Pizza Party, was something that he had talked about for weeks.  On the morning of the trip, as I walked into his room to wake him, his first words to me were "Don't forget I have to wear my school t-shirt" On the way, he talked to me about who he would play with and how very excited he was to join his class.  On this day, as the day started to come to a close, I was in awe of the about-face Keller had made.

God also gave me that same affirmation today . . . . . . as I rounded the corner, as I always do, Mrs. Faye turned and announced "Keller, mommy's here". Today, that shy child that I thought would never come out of his shell, stood up, shot both arms up in the air and turned to all of the children and said, "Bye everyone, I LOVE YOU!"  At that moment Mrs Faye turned to me and said, "that's not something he would have done at the beginning of the year".  As I held my precious child's hand as we walked to the car today tears streamed down my face . . . . . . thank you God for answered prayer.  

Memories That Last a Lifetime

How many of you have a REAL memory of what your life was like before the age of five?  Not many, I, on the other hand, can attest to TRUE memories aging all the way back to two years of age.  It's really kind of fantastic if you ask me.  We moved to Corinth one month before I turned the age of three.  I still can tell you the color of my brother's bed spread, walk you through the floor plan of our home in Sheffield, and honestly recount to you the major land marks in route to and from taking my brother to school.  Many of you, I'm sure, think I'm crazy.  My mother did for a small time frame, that is until I precisely affirmed all of the above mentioned.  

I presume this is a rarity for most.  My husband seems to think so.  He doesn't seem to have the true memories of detail up until the age of around five.  Five . . . . . WOW what a pivotal year in most children's lives.  It's the year you officially start "real" school, the year you have to get eight shots and REMEMBER them, and have to start really doing chores around the house.   Keller will turn five this year.  I feel my heart aching just a bit for him.  I am so excited for the things that are to come in his life, but, at the same time, I feel him becoming more and more independent.  He seems to need me less and less.  I know that this is what the whole "life cycle" is about, but it is really hard.

Keller has always been a bit shy.  He tends to kind of hide behind me, and look to me for reassurance before he does most anything.  Bobby and I are very aware of this, and for the last year we've tried not to be so "babying" of him.  I contribute most of this to the fact that he was never in day care.  For the most part, he had no interaction with other children except for at church.  This may have been a mistake on our parts as parents, however, McKendry has been raised the same way (probably more so) and she is the polar opposite.  Knowing his partiality to be this way Bobby and I have made a push to help give him options to pull him out of his shell, a bit, so to speak.  I'm not trying to change who he is by any means, BUT give him opportunities to broaden his horizons.

He is just sooooo much like me.  He becomes discouraged very easily, and try's to give up quickly if he doesn't master things right off.   I feel I missed so many opportunities because of that lack of confidence.  I NEVER tried to play any sport, try out for cheerleading, or anything that might bring attention to myself for no other reason than the fear of failure.  I was terrified of being embarrassed.  Keller has many of those same mannerisms.  On the contrary, he is a boy.  He does it in such a different way.  A "tough" manly way.  He will usually cross his arms and walk away with a gruff look on his face.

So, this year could be the year of WONDERFUL memories for Keller.  He will start kindergarten.  He will get those dreaded shots.  He will also, because of voiced interest, play soccer and t-ball. This is  something that all of us are very excited about.  Will we be those parent's that sits on the side lines yelling at our child for not getting the run or missing the goal?  Nope, quite the opposite.  I'll be the mom sitting on the side lines fighting back tears just to know the huge step that it will be for him to step out onto the field.  I even understand that he might hate it.  I remember watching my nephew, at this same age, play t-ball.  We would all load up to watch him pretty much pick dandelions in the outfield.  I'm fine with that.  This summer is going to be about memories and opportunity for Keller.  I pray for his sweet heart and his confidence.  I also pray for out patience as parent's.  We've babied him and now it's like all the sudden we expect him to be "tough" and do it all.  It's a fine line of picking them up after a hard fall and kissing their "boo boo's" to getting them to pick themselves up and brush themselves off.

I see this change already taking place in him . . . . . .  today as we took our afternoon stroll through the neighborhood Keller took a hard fall turning into the driveway on his bicycle.   I watched it take place from a few feet back, and cringed as it went down in what seemed slow motion.  Then, to my surprise, I heard him from under his bike yell out "THAT WAS A REALLY COOL FALL, I EVEN GOT MY FOOT STUCK IN THE TIRE!!!!!!"

Be Careful Little Mouth What You Say

Oh my . . . . . .  for years I've listened to my mother tell the same story over and over of the day that I said my first "profanity".  It has always been very funny to me thinking of me, as a child, out of pure innocence saying a cuss word.  My first experience, as told to me was when I was two years old.  I have no recollection of this day, but my mother describes it with such detail that I almost feel like I remember it.  It was a Sunday . . . . .  as all Sundays in ANY family they can be incredibly hectic and stressful at times.  We had just gotten home from church and as most, I'm sure my mother was running around trying to get lunch ready so we could hurry up and get our naps.  On this particular day my mother had dressed me in a frilly petticoat type dress (as I'm sure was the going rage at the time) with ruffled bloomers.  I'm sure in her mind I was probably THE CUTEST kid at church.  However, I must have had a different opinion.  As mom was running around the house trying to give some semblance of peace to our day I stopped her dead in her tracks.  I proceeded to toddle up to her with my hands on my hips amongst the ruffles to tell her that "These d__n panties ITCH!"  She tells the story of the shock and then hilariousness of the situation.  You know that point, the one where you feel like busting out laughing, yet you suddenly remember that you are the mother and you HAVE to be an adult.

These times are REALLY hard for me.  I still feel like a kid myself.  At times, I find it very hard to believe that anyone would trust me to keep their children much less raise my very own.  Luckily, the above situation of your child letting out their first cuss word has not yet happened . . . . . . . . .  HOWEVER, yesterday I had a first.  Keller, our oldest child, has always been very obedient and, for the most part, quick to stop something if you let him know that it is wrong.  What an easy life!!!!  Then our sweet little Ms McKendry came along.  HELLO FEMALE!!!!  You know what I'm talking about- the flirtatious looks that are supposed to make whatever she is doing behind her back okay.  Some of it has not surprised me at all, I'm female. . . . . I understand those thoughts and the way that it's almost inbreed in us to push the envelope a bit. Needless to say, my parenting is a bit different with a girl.  I have to be VERY aware of when I tell her no and the consistency of sticking with what I say.  I also found I have to be VERY aware of what I say in front of those sweet little ears.

Yesterday, as I was cooking breakfast, McKendry sat in front of "her"cabinet doing her usual.  She was dragging every plastic cup out and playing with all the spare sippy cups.  This is part of our "routine"; No different.  That's when I heard it . . . . . ."OOOHHHHH DDDOOOOSSSSSHHHHH" Well, that's a new one, I thought, what did she say.  I stopped what I was doing to look down and really pay attention.  Then again, as she was struggling to unscrew a top off of a sippy cup, in a grumbly very frustrated voice she says "OOOOOHHHHHH DDOOOOSSSSSSHHHHH!"  I had never heard that kind of rumble in her voice or for that matter that kind of frustration.  It was quite funny watching her.  She wasn't mad just baffled at how to get the top off of the sippy cup.  In her frustration this phrase kept spilling out of her mouth in a voice so foreign to me that I was laughing out loud.  It was funny, but then I realized she was mirroring my frustration and getting that same tone in her voice that I do when I totally loose my patience with her, Keller, or for that matter Bobby.  She was saying "Oh Gosh!"  WOW!  What a slap in the face.  Such a small little girl, not even two, yet she was speaking such harsh and "adult" words . . . What to do?  I sat back hoping it was just a freak event that she was saying this phrase.  Now that 24 hours have transpired and I've heard it multiple times I realize it's stuck.  Yeah it's funny, but is it really?  Nope.  I feel like a heel.  She heard that from me, not TV, not her brother, not her father but ME! Sounds very mild and innocent. I'll admit that I have laughed to myself many of the times that she has said it.  Not at the phrase, but the cute way she says it.  It's really kind of adorable.  I'm just being honest.  Today, I did decide to look up the definition of gosh to prepare myself for the talk that we will have to have to reverse this phrase: Gosh - an exclamation of mild surprise or wonder. Hmmmm, didn't seem so bad, then the origin of the word just about jumped off the page-  euphemistic alteration of God.  


Bobby and I have now discussed the situation and decided at her age she isn't going to truly UNDERSTAND why this is wrong. Her brother, on the other hand, does.  This will be a lesson for him.  An opportunity for me to show Keller that I mess up daily.  An opportunity tonight, as we pray as a family, to ask God to forgive me.  I NEED my children to understand that I DON'T expect perfection from them, and that I will NEVER judge them. I want them to understand God is our friend. I don't want my children to feel that He is unapproachable.  I grew up so many times being scared when I messed up thinking God would be MAD at me.  God loves us and smiles upon us when we learn from our mistakes!!!  Thank you God, once again, for teaching me soooo much through the eyes of my children!

So as those precious little eyes look at me each day, PLEASE God let my eyes look up to You to guide me each step of the way!!!!!

Time is of the Essence

Well, leave it to a movie to give me a whole new perspective on my life at this point.  Today, as most days, was full of the routine of what we do.  It's nothing special, but an aspect of my life that I'm sure that many of you can relate to.  I get up every morning and start my life in the same way. However, when some little small thing happens to throw it just the least bit off I have this void it seems the entire day.  Today was no different really . . . . other than the fact that McKendry decided she would cry out one hour before she normally gets up.  No big deal, right?  Well, it shouldn't be . . . .  but for some reason for me, the "queen" of routine, it dishevels me for a bit.  It's ironic though, if for some reason she wakes up an hour past the time she normally does it doesn't put me in the same state.  I will admit though, I'm so anal (can I use that word on a blog? Well, I just did, sorry MOM!) about the routine of things that I usually will get her up so as to not to throw the rest of the "schedule" for the day off even more.  Some may be reading and thinking - what a way to live, why would you do that to yourself?  It all started when we had our first child.  I was a person who LOVED my sleep and when left without my 8 required hours I didn't function so well.  It just sends my internal clock for a loop.  So, needless to say when we started discussing children I KNEW that it was going to be a huge adjustment on my sleeping habits.  At that point I began a mission of research on the "perfect" way to get your child on a sleep schedule and what routines were best on your baby.

My mission worked, BOTH of my children were sleeping through the night entirely at 6 - 8 weeks.  I was a VERY happy mommy and a much better mommy because of the sleep.  With this routine has come MUCH ridicule from many family and friends. At first it bothered me. Now, almost 5 years, I have NOT A CARE of what they think.  I am a better parent because of this routine.  My children know what to expect from day to day and HONESTLY when something varies from routine they handle it soooooo well.

This routine, as my mom will tell you, didn't surprise so many that know me. I've ALWAYS been a VERY predictable person.  I'm not one for change and the routine of my life doesn't bore me at all as it would some.  With my hang up of staying on schedule, be that as it may, I find myself rushing through life.  I'm always trying to get the kids to get dressed within a certain period of time, eat supper within a certain period of time, get their teeth brushed quickly, take your bath now, get your toys picked up now . . . .  . it just seems like we HURRY through life.  So today, as I was watching "Cars" with the children it hit me in the face to SLOW down.  It seems that our society is always trying to come up with a faster way to do EVERYTHING.  I DON'T want my children rushing through life only to wonder what their purpose ever really was.  I have probably watched "Cars" a hundred times with my children and never has it made that much sense to me.  I've always thought it was a cute movie that taught a really good lesson about a car that is young and energetic that doesn't really "get it".  He had been going through life only wanting one thing . . . . to be the best and along the way he realized the true meaning of life.  Today, as we were watching I wasn't really watching the movie.  I had fifteen other things going on, but for some reason today I stopped to listen during one particular scene.  It's when Sally takes Lightning McQueen throughout the town and the country side to get him to slow down.  He finally was able to see the beauty and to understand that Radiator Springs wasn't just a snooze fest but a place that people once loved.  I guess what made the biggest impact is when she said to him "the town got bypassed just to save 10 minutes of driving".  I had seen that a hundred times, but today in the midst of my routine it shook me a bit.  How many times a day do I find myself doing things like that?  Rushing my children along or even killing myself to get something done just for nothing really.

Don't misunderstand me . . . . .  We enjoy life but aren't we all to busy at times?  Life is so short . . .  I  want to cherish each moment that I can and savor this life while I can.  I PRAY that I don't make my children feel like they have to rush through life.  Our society puts so much emphasis on "taking shortcuts", we work so hard taking out steps that we forget what it once was like.

So, I'm going to take a deep breath and just enjoy this life I've been given.

Resolution . . . . . . .

Each year, as most, I find myself almost feeling like it's a law to make a New Year's Resolution.  Honestly, I don't see the big deal in it.  However, it does make me reflect on what this past year has meant to me and what I would love to see in the next year.  Each year I am in complete awe of what God has done in our lives.  This year especially though I feel so blessed.  It had been a dream of mine to be able to eventually stay home with my children, and have an opportunity to still do my passion of being a nurse. God opened that door and has blessed us ten fold since I have began to stay home.

I will say that with these blessing I have grown so much in how I walk with God by my side, and how I rely on Him for everything.  I think back to what my life was like as a child and a teenager.  I grew up in a house where my mom stayed home with us.  With her being my mother the standard of what a "homemaker" is comes at a VERY high standard.  She took her job very seriously, and it is evident to me, now at this stage in my life, just how strong of a woman of God my mother was and is up until this day.  My mother was always up, dressed and pristine each morning when she came into my room to get me up for school. She was always a breath of fresh air as she awakened me for a new day.  A smile on her face and rarely EVER did she raise her voice to the groans and mumbles she received each morning.  She had the house spotless each day as I got home and always had a "Martha Stewart" worthy snack waiting for me.  She was always happy to hear about my day, and full of encouragement if my day had left me a bit discouraged.  Not only that, but she was at the center of every band function I had to be involved in, choral concert, practice or the taxi for my friends and I anytime we had engagements.  She was "Momma B" to all that she encountered.  In fact, till this day she still totes the name of "Momma B" to most all of my friends. Looking back over my life I can see just how great of a mom she is.  She never judged anyone, but sat back and listened to all of my friends and I when we had no idea she was listening.   She was never the mom that harped on us all when we hadn't made the best of decisions.  She was the mother that embraced us all and loved us in spite of all the decisions.

So . . . . . . . . you can see how following this example might be a bit challenging.  I guess I thought as soon as I started staying home with my children that POOF I would be infused with all the wisdom, compassion, and love that my mother symbolized to me. What a wake up call!!!  I find days when I struggle to make it from one nap time to the next for my children and I KNOW that they can sense that.  There are times when I snap back with an uncaring tone or disinterested reply to my children out of pure exhaustion. . . .  my children are so undeserving of that. Bobby is so undeserving of the eye rolls and stern tone that I take with him so many days as soon as he walks into the door.  How did she do it?  How was the house always so clean?  Laundry always done and so perfectly folded?  The aroma of the perfect supper always rolling out the door as I walked into my house? How was I so blessed to have the real life "June Cleaver" living under the same roof as me?  

Just a week ago as I was driving home from a late night gym trip (at 11pm) I had a huge "ah ha" moment.  I had peeled myself off of the couch with disgust and made myself go work out.  This had been preceded by a usual night of struggling to get kids situated, supper cooked, children fed, baths given, prayers said, and oh yeah spending a little bit of time with Bobby.  Unfortunately, I had left the house a bit frustrated at Bobby and myself for raising my voice to him in front of my children.  My thoughts as I made myself do my hour of cardiovascular exercise was nothing but anger.  I was MAD that I had to work out, MAD that I had little to no "me" time, MAD that I wasn't the "June Cleaver" that I so desperately desired to be.  Then as I rode home in my "mini van a.k.a swagger wagon" God literally broke me.  It was like He was saying, "really, really Nicole?  Your going to be angry?"  What do I have to be angry about?  I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, beautiful healthy children, a man of God who truly leads our household, a wonderful example of LOVE in my parent's and brother as they mold and shape me each day, and I could go on for days.  It was at that moment as I pulled into my driveway that I began to sob.  I walked right into my home, and got at the foot of each my children's beds and thanked God for the blessing in them.  I asked God to give me the patience, and love that I had been taught my entire life.   I prayed for all of my selfish "human" desires to be dissolved.

So  . . . . . . as this new year begins I PRAY that I will be the mother, sister, daughter, friend, and wife that God wants me to be.